"Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due."

"History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."

"Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery."

"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."

"We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect."

"Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree."

"Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity."

"The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up."

"When you doubt, abstain."

"To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense."

"The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff."

"Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success."

"Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."

"Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table."

"Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking."

"Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness."

"Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

"Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth."

"Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured."

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

"Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband."

"Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C."

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it."

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth."

"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."

"Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy."

"Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship."

"Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping."

"Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."

"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."

"Doubt is the father of invention."

"Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish."

"I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats."

"Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity."

"Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London."

"Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers."

"Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient."

"Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond."

"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."

"Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue."

"To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third."

"Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge."

"Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left."

"Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue."

"Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of."

"Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."