"Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things."

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones."

"Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be."

"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own."

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."

"Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable."

"Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

"Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money."

"Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

"Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy."

"Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."

"Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver."

"Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two."

"Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen."

"Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon."

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

"Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on."

"What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country."

"Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues."

"Dawn: When men of reason go to bed."

"Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope."

"Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for."

"Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure."

"Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay."

"Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."

"Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible."

"Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience."

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."

"Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."

"Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire."

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

"An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me."

"Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic."

"Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."

"Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows."

"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent."

"Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead."

"Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."