"We decided that the French could never write user-friendly software because they're so rude."

"Most of us have only two or three genuinely interesting moments in our lives; the rest is filler."

"Salad bars are like a restaurant's lungs. They soak up the impurities and bacteria in the environment, leaving you with much cleaner air to enjoy."

"One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend you care about them more than you really do."

"If you don't have a spiritual practice in place when times are good, you can't expect to suddenly develop one during a moment of crisis."

"People will always choose more money over more sex."

"Sometimes it feels as if everything in life is just something we haul into the grave."

"Men won't read any email from a woman that's over 200 words long."

"Fate is for losers."

"The person who needs the other person the least in a relationship is the stronger member."

"In the future, torture will once again become the recreational sport of the rich."

"Cloning is great. If God made the original, then making copies should be fine."

"We live in an era with no historical precedents. History is no longer useful as a tool in helping us understand current changes."

"You can never become rich unless you like rich people."

"Adventure without risk is Disneyland."

"Ten commandments yet seven deadly sins: conflict?"

"Never loan a book to someone if you expect to get it back. Loaning books is the same as giving them away."

"You can't fake creativity, competence, or sexual arousal."

"Sometimes the best lighting of all is a power failure."

"Being asked what animal you'd like to be is a trick question; you're already an animal."

"In our heads we're all about 33 years old."

"Unhappiness is something we are never taught about; we are taught to expect happiness, but never a Plan B to use to use when the happiness doesn't arrive."

"With Google I'm starting to burn out on knowing the answer to everything. People in the year 2020 are going to be nostalgic for the sensation of feeling clueless."

"Fondue sets, martini shakers and juicing machines: three things the world could live completely without."

"The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself."

"Figure out what it is in life you don't do well, and then don't do it."

"If I think too much about all of those Chinese factories where all the stuff in a Wal-Mart is made, I get that woozy feeling you get when you see ducks covered in crude oil."

"If cats were double the size they are now, they'd probably be illegal."

"When you crop the photo, you tell a lie."

"When we constantly ask for miracles, we're unraveling the fabric of the world. A world of continuous miracles would not be a world, it would be a cartoon."

"If a building looks better under construction than it does when finished, then it's a failure."

"Clowns drink to blot out the ravages of terrifying children for a living."

"The real killers in the business world aren't the ones who aim for the top, it's the ones who aim for two notches below the top."

"Before machines the only form of entertainment people really had was relationships."

"Technology favors horrible people."

"Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people."

"Good-looking people with strong, fluoridated teeth get things handed to them on platters."

"Blame is just a lazy person's way of making sense of chaos."

"Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time."

"We want our idols to be dead because it makes death a much less scary place."

"A man in a bookstore buys a book on loneliness and every woman in the store hits on him. A woman buys a book on loneliness and the store clears out."

"Royalty is either going to do very well with cloning, or it's going to disappear completely."

"Everybody has basically the same family, it's just reconfigured slightly differently from one to the next."

"Where does personality end and brain damage begin?"

"Brain research tells us that only twenty percent of human beings have a sense of irony, which means that eighty percent of the world takes everything at face value."

"I find it hard to believe that human beings are the crowning achievement of life on earth. Something better than us has to come along."

"There's a lot to be said for having a small manageable dream."

"Lottery tickets are a surtax on desperation."

"Long lives aren't natural. We forget that senior citizens are as much an invention as toasters or penicillin."

"What if God exists except it turns out he doesn't really like people very much?"