"I don't get upset over things I can control, because if I can control them there's no sense in getting upset. And I don't get upset over things I can't control, because if I can't control them there's no sense in getting upset."

"The first thing you do when you get out to center field is put up your finger and check the wind chill factor."

"It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking."

"My goals are to hit .300, score 100 runs, and stay injury-prone."

"We'll do all right if we can capitalize on our mistakes."

"He's so ugly he should have to wear an oxygen mask."

"These guys are so old they're eligible for meals on wheels."

"What was the name of that dog on 'Rin Tin Tin'?"

"He's so ugly. When you walked by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul."