"Morality is the custom of one's country and the current feeling of one's peers."

"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income."

"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them."

"A drunkard would not give money to sober people. He said they would only eat it, and buy clothes and send their children to school with it."

"If I die prematurely I shall be saved from being bored to death at my own success."

"For truth is precious and divine, too rich a pearl for carnal swine."

"The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust."

"Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life."

"The three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money, and his religious opinions."

"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too."

"The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously."

"Christ was only crucified once and for a few hours. Think of the hundreds of thousands whom Christ has been crucifying in a quiet way ever since."

"Let every man be true and every god a liar."

"Though analogy is often misleading, it is the least misleading thing we have."

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."

"Logic is like the sword - those who appeal to it, shall perish by it."

"In law, nothing is certain but the expense."

"The history of the world is the record of the weakness, frailty and death of public opinion."

"Opinions have vested interests just as men have."

"What is faith but a kind of betting or speculation after all? It should be, I bet that my Redeemer liveth."

"I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy."

"Don't learn to do, but learn in doing. Let your falls not be on a prepared ground, but let them be bona fide falls in the rough and tumble of the world."

"People care more about being thought to have taste than about being thought either good, clever or amiable."

"People are lucky and unlucky not according to what they get absolutely, but according to the ratio between what they get and what they have been led to expect."

"Our minds want clothes as much as our bodies."

"Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on."

"Life is a quarry, out of which we are to mold and chisel and complete a character."

"It is a wise tune that knows its own father, and I like my music to be the legitimate offspring of respectable parents."

"It has been said that the love of money is the root of all evil. The want of money is so quite as truly."

"The Athanasian Creed is to me light and intelligible reading in comparison with much that now passes for science."

"Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well."

"Nobody shoots at Santa Claus."

"The seven deadly sins: Want of money, bad health, bad temper, chastity, family ties, knowing that you know things, and believing in the Christian religion."

"They say the test of literary power is whether a man can write an inscription. I say, 'Can he name a kitten?'"

"Money is the last enemy that shall never be subdued. While there is flesh there is money or the want of money, but money is always on the brain so long as there is a brain in reasonable order."

"It is not he who gains the exact point in dispute who scores most in controversy - but he who has shown the better temper."

"The dead should be judged like criminals, impartially, but they should be allowed the benefit of the doubt."

"Life is one long process of getting tired."

"The only living works are those which have drained much of the author's own life into them."

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."

"There is no true gracefulness which is not epitomized goodness."

"My main wish is to get my books into other people's rooms, and to keep other people's books out of mine."

"Books are like imprisoned souls till someone takes them down from a shelf and frees them."

"Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear lest she should catch a cold on overexposure."

"Man is God's highest present development. He is the latest thing in God."

"Our ideas are for the most part like bad sixpences, and we spend our lives trying to pass them on one another."

"When a man is in doubt about this or that in his writing, it will often guide him if he asks himself how it will tell a hundred years hence."

"A man should be just cultured enough to be able to look with suspicion upon culture at first, not second hand."

"The want of money is the root of all evil."

"The Bible may be the truth, but it is not the whole truth and nothing but the truth."