"Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information."

"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion."

"The only risk of failure is promotion."

"Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure."

"There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot."

"The longer you work here, diverse it gets."

"Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company."

"We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings."

"The best things in life are silly."

"Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end."

"If a job's worth doing, it's too hard."

"Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive."

"Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results."

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

"Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems."

"You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me."

"Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart."

"The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers."

"I get mail; therefore I am."

"If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."

"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."

"Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge."

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"

"You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public."

"Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives."